Working Mother

We’ve all been there. You’re in a public place and you notice a parent loudly berating or even worse, hitting, a young child. The parent’s behavior seems over-the-top, but what should you do? Most of us shift are feet uncomfortably and move on. Perhaps we try to shame the parent with a harsh glance, typically unnoticed or ignored.
New York Times City Room blogger Spence Helperin faced just this situation on the subway recently, and wrote about it in Complaint Box/Defending A Child. He was watching a young mother slap her toddler over and over, and her friend joined in when the child started crying. After eight slaps, he interfered.

“Stop hitting that child!”
Who said that? Stepping toward her, I took a dive off a sky-high cliff — and there was no way back.
“Who are you to tell me not to hit my kid? She’s my kid!”
“Don’t hit that child again or I will call the police!”
“I will hit my child if I want. I know how to hit my child. Go ahead and call the police!”
She stopped hitting the child because she was now directing her anger at me. The girl stopped crying. She watched and listened. I moved back to my side of the subway car.
A woman sitting nearest to the young mother started a quieter conversation with her. I could not hear the entire thing, but it was clear that this woman, in her 50s, was counseling her on how to handle an unruly child without hitting.
“You don’t know me,” the younger woman said to the older one. “You don’t know my child.”
The car doors opened at the next stop. The entire car seemed to be watching the young mother, the older woman and me. Two young guys patted me on the back as they exited and said, “Good work, man.”
I exited the car. The mother maintained eye contact with me as the doors closed — with fury and threat in her gaze.

He had publicly shamed her, but acknowledged that he didn’t know if that would make the mother think twice before hitting again, or take her now even greater anger out on the child behind closed doors. He also noted that he was one of only two people out of about 30 on that subway car that tried to intervene. And he wondered if race played a part–he is white, as were the men who patted him on the back. The mother, and the older woman who tried to counsel her, were African American.

I don’t know the answer here. Many commenters to the City Room blog suggested calling the police, while others noted that once the police are involved the child’s life could become even worse if she ends up in foster care (though as someone with a foster sister I resent the implication that all foster homes are a nightmare). I once called the police when I saw a child locked in a car and screaming hysterically. I waited a good 20 minutes and no one came, and I needed to get to an appointment. Should I have waited longer? I’ve often wondered.

Readers, what do you think is best? Have you ever interfered and have your actions turn out for the better for the child? Or the worse?

For more reactions, Jezebel also wrote about Halperin’s blog entry in When Do You Stop One Abuse, and Can You Stop An Abuser? Some good comments there.

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1. How to Raise a Child Who Loves to Read